Another shitty day...

Since when did guys become so damn filthy? I'm not talking about guys being perverts and thinking about nothing but sex (and creative ways to get some). That's perfectly understandable because it's some hormonal thing and apparently oogling breast furthers the male life expectancy (funnily enough, that research was done by males). But I am absolutely certain, and correct me if I am greatly mistaken, that wiping your own shit on walls has very little benefit to anybody's health.

To elaborate: the male toilets at Sefton High have long been legendary for its filth. On a good day, it might smell like a garbage tip. But today, I was witness to one of the most putrid things i had ever seen. The walls of the cubicle had shit smeared all over it. I'm not talking one or two streaks either, I'm talking about the whole friggin' side of the cubicle. It was positively retching.

I can understand that Sefton, being the shit hole that it is (no pun intended), refuses to supply toilet paper (the fact that it used to be soaked in water and thrown at the ceiling may have contributed to this). I can understand that it is excruciatingly tortorous to carry the knowledge that you haven't wiped your holy backside. Hell, I can even understand that people often have amazing creative bursts while on the toilet. What I don't understand, is how anybody could possibly find any amusement or relief from rubbing their arse against a wall (or picking up their shit with their hands and rubbing it, not sure which is worse).

I don't know about the girl's toilets at Sefton or the toilets at other schools, but I'm pretty sure this takes the cake. If you've seen or heard of any worse toilets, please enlighten me so that i may see the beauty of what i have.

The Divine Comedy

Well, I just got my report from school and the marks were so amazing(-ly attrocious) that it is almost funny. Anyway, I found an excerpt from Dante's 'Divine Comedy' that more or less sums up my currect situation. Lines 22 to 27 from The inferno, Canto XXXIV.

How frozen and faint I then became,
Ask me not, reader! For I write it not,
Since words would fail to tell thee of my state.

I was not dead nor living. Think thyself
If quick conception work in thee at all,
How I did feel...

Angsty, quasi-poetic outburst

I'd rather be thrown into the deep end
Because I know the bottom
Is far beneath me.

I'd rather my legs fail me
And leave me to float
Belly up
Than forever wade,
Ankle high in your bullshit.

And you thought your computer was a pain in the arse...

In a world where we preach tolerance (above the gunfire from the Middle East), the number of ‘politically correct’ (PC) terms is increasing at an alarming rate. The term is essentially an oxymoron because we all know that nothing about politics has been, is or will ever be correct. People don’t want to be themselves anymore. They all want their own politically correct term. Since the Government does not deem it a worthy expenditure of funds to define what is and isn’t correct, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to turn you blasphemous fiends into the epitome of political etiquette.

Referring to ‘black’ people
‘Black’ people do not like to be called black. They (and everyone else it seems) don’t even want objects to be referred to as black. The question, “Can I borrow a black pen?” now elicits calls of “That’s racist!” Unless you’re black yourself, it is considered to be racist to call a black man a ‘nigger’ (or ‘nigga’ depending on the pronunciation). If you happen to be black, it’s a perfectly acceptable thing to say. So, if we can’t call them what they are, what do we call them? I suggest something along the lines of ‘melanomially gifted’.

Referring to ‘white’ people
When we decided that black people could no longer be called black, the whites got pretty pissed off themselves. They believed they were superior and ran the if-black-people-get-a-politically-correct-name-we-want-one-too train of thought. The South Africans thought that ‘redneck’ was a nice alternative. The Chinese took to calling them ‘white ghosts’. Since white is a colour representing all that is holy and pleasant in the world, the new term must also have positive connotations. I suggest something like ‘UV deprived’. UV is bad. If they are deprived of UV, they are therefore good.

Referring ‘fat’ people
Nobody likes to be called fat, especially girls who think that a toothpick is superior to a chopstick. At one stage we were calling them ‘big boned’ but that’s become synonymous with the word fat thanks to a certain foul mouthed geometrical cut out. We certainly can’t call them thin because that would be a lie and would be dangerous because they’d put on many more kilos and run the risk of coronary ruptures. I suggest ‘horizontally superior’.

Referring to ‘short’ people
Despite not winning last year’s Australian Idol, Anthony Callea made it fashionable to be short. He was constantly referred to as ‘the midget’ on many radio stations and took it like a man (despite only being half the height). Unfortunately, not all short people are such gracious losers. My alternative to calling people short is to call them ‘vertically challenged’ or ‘vertically disadvantaged’. Not only are they no longer short, their status as being ‘disadvantaged’ automatically grants them access to welfare benefits.

Referring to ‘geeks’
People who do well in exams because they actually study (instead of wasting their time writing stupid articles like this one) shouldn’t be called geeks or nerds. We shouldn’t ostracise them just because they’d rather hang out with maths textbooks instead of their friends (including imaginary). Once they become uber rich we can call them all sorts of things (ironically, the same things we’d call Americans). Until then, let’s just call them ‘intellectually superior’ and ‘socially dysfunctional’.

Referring to ‘hobos’
These people live on the streets and eat out of trash cans. Is it really necessary for us to marginalise them by calling them hobos? These people are better off than some people with homes. They don’t have to mow lawns, vacuum carpets, clean dishes or fold bed sheets. Most of them aren’t even married so there’s no worry about an adulteress partner either. These people choose to live on the street. They aren’t homeless, they’re ‘residentially flexible individuals’.

Referring to ‘perverts’
I can understand that males, particularly adolescent ones, are genetically compelled to checking out chicks. Some of them even go as far as installing cameras in girls’ change rooms and bathrooms. We generally refer to these people as ‘perverts’. These are both unfair comments to make due to the fact that men simply can’t help it. The next time somebody calls you a ‘pervert’ tell them you are in fact a ‘non-traditional espionage expert’.

Somnambulance

Look upon the mirrored landscape.
In shallow puddles -
Ephemeral moons

Have not forgotten how to smile.
But there can be no mirth in lamenting
The day you turned in your wings
For a diamond encrusted dream.

See how the stars await the return
Of your nocturnal gaze;
Keeping their ancient places
Until the sun appears

And they become a memory
Like a folded photograph
That can never be perfect again.

And it is your presence that lurks
Behind the gilded bars
While your estranged faces
Miss the many-splendoured thing.

Three strikes... I'm out (of luck)

I'm watching as my HSC slowly crumbles into increasingly smaller pieces. First, I lose two jap teachers (one to maternity leave and the other to another school). Then, my English teacher decides to up and leave so she can look after her 1 year old daughter. And today, my physics teacher tells me that she's also going on maternity leave soon. So, that leaves me up the creek with neither a paddle or limbs. Sure, one teacher disappearing Isn't a problem. Two teachers leaving I would not be too happy about, but is still survivable. Three deciding to up and go is a prospect i didn't think I'd have to deal with. Just as well my maths teacher isn't on maternity leave, that would automatically kill four units worth of study.

Very stressed right now and it's not a result of coffee deprivation.

I hate the HSC! (Except for ext 2 english, which is wonderful)

Thought of the day

How ironic would it be if i were to be reincarnated as a Bible?

Untitled

"Memories aren't made to last,
especially not the happy ones.
The sad seem to linger;
walk towards the catacombs
then fade into darkness.
Even in light, they hide
in the corners
so that cleaners will miss them. "

Your shrink never made sense.
He should stop speaking in verse.

You tell him your father was an abusive drunk,
that your daughter committed suicide,
that you caught your wife
sleeping with another woman.

Your stomach wakes up on the couch.
The tuna casserole in the fridge
looks delicious.
Shame your stomach doesn't agree.

You don't recall meeting Miranda
but that doesn't bother you
quite so much as your impotence.

Pinned to a perfectly ironed suit,
Gone shopping with friends.
Be back at 6.
Love always,
Miranda

The silver Beemer gives you a devious wink.

Today's agenda:
budget slashing
lunch
sign retrenchment forms

To: M.T. Rabbus
To: J. Smith
To: M. Grove

…
It is with great regret…
You have been a valuable asset…
Your services are no longer required…

Victor Lampard, CEO

You pause between each letter;
Take a sip from the flask.
Your signatures aren’t as dry as the whiskey
But they leave the same aftertaste.

Animal documentary…
Japanese game show…
Spanish Moto GP…
German pornography…

“Right on time”
A puzzled look.
“It’s six o’clock”
Another puzzled look
And then a shrug.

Her heels lay on separate steps;
Red like her over-showered skin.

Another day,
Another suit,
Another note;
Visiting friends.
Be back at six,
Miranda

Your Nokia vibrates,

“Victor, it’s Jacob.
We’ve got protestors!”

“Start bulldozing at nine”

The Beemer glares at the protestors
Hurling bottles of abuse.

You glare at the girl
Chained to the acacia at 8:58.

You tell her to move;
Her blue eyes ignore your voice.

The bulldozers start;
Determination turns to uncertainty.

The bulldozers move forward;
Uncertainty turns to fear.

After your release
You find everything that was yours
Never was.

Only the red leaves remain.

Not my most brilliant piece of poetry ever. I'm thinking it sounds far too much like a short story. Comments?

Dumbest letter to the ed... ever...

I was flicking through the Fairfield Advance (forgot to fetch my copy of SMH today) when I came across the opinion page. In hindsight, it was stupid of me to even think there may be something of remote wit or interest in it. There was however this letter, entitled "Gasping over the high cost of cigs".

The government keeps increasing the price of cigarettes.
I started this habit at 15 years of age not knowing the seriousness of it.
Many times i have tried to give it up but i can't so I'm forced to pay a high price for cigarettes.
I don't drink to relax or relieve the stress that life throws me.
I don't see how giving up smoking is going to give me immortality nor the people around me.
We are all going to die eventually and no death is easy.
So incresing the price of cigarettes just causes people more hardship than what they are already going through.
If making us smokers stop smoking is the answer to cancer realted deaths then why doesn't the government ban sexual intercourse - that will stop AIDS from sprading?
I've never heard of people breaking into houses to steal money for smokes.
Maybe for heroine. All the smokers I know certainly don't steal their fags.
The government should let people have cigarettes at a lot cheaper price because the young won't stop taking up smoking.
Young people like to do what is not wanted by others, like drugs - it's a thrill.
So maybe it will encourage more of the young people not to smoke if it wasn't a "taboo"
Smoking is a human right.

Cheryl Johnson, Bonnyrigg

[SIC]

Things I'd like to point out:

• comparing cigarettes to sex is an insult to sex. Anybody who makes such an absurd link deserves to be shot.
• quitting smoking certainly won't grant you immortality (Who the hell have you been talking to?) but it will increase your life expectancy considerably. Research has also shown that regular sex also increases life expectancy.
• making cigarettes cheaper will only make it more accessible to children. Instead of lowering the price to hide the "taboo" of smoking from kids we should increase them indefintiely so that dipsticks like you can't afford to fuck yourselevs up.
• i'll concede that nobody lives forever, but i'll be laughing at your bed-ridden wheezing ass before i kick the proverbial bucket.
• cigarette tax is the only form of government revenue raising that i'll ever support.

In conclusion, smokers are the worst breed of people on this planet (as well as many others). All smokers should be hanged/castrated/crucified/burnt at the stake. I'll thoroughly enjoy the irony of these fags burning in Hell.

Dancing with Alexandra

To the lee where monarchs danced
To the melancholic waltz of crickets
Near the one fern
That was always green.

Only the Queen eluded me.
Alexandra always found a way;
A hole in the net,
A crumbling log,
A tickle of my palm.

She oft flirted with me.
She’d kiss my forehead,
Smile and wink;
But she only danced
With April winds.

I only ever used those dancing shoes once
To swat her from her throne.
The cries of my wing-clipped cupid
Broke the deafening silence
And woke me;
Screaming
Because I was never asleep.