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In a world where we preach tolerance (above the gunfire from the Middle East), the number of ‘politically correct’ (PC) terms is increasing at an alarming rate. The term is essentially an oxymoron because we all know that nothing about politics has been, is or will ever be correct. People don’t want to be themselves anymore. They all want their own politically correct term. Since the Government does not deem it a worthy expenditure of funds to define what is and isn’t correct, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to turn you blasphemous fiends into the epitome of political etiquette.

Referring to ‘black’ people
‘Black’ people do not like to be called black. They (and everyone else it seems) don’t even want objects to be referred to as black. The question, “Can I borrow a black pen?” now elicits calls of “That’s racist!” Unless you’re black yourself, it is considered to be racist to call a black man a ‘nigger’ (or ‘nigga’ depending on the pronunciation). If you happen to be black, it’s a perfectly acceptable thing to say. So, if we can’t call them what they are, what do we call them? I suggest something along the lines of ‘melanomially gifted’.

Referring to ‘white’ people
When we decided that black people could no longer be called black, the whites got pretty pissed off themselves. They believed they were superior and ran the if-black-people-get-a-politically-correct-name-we-want-one-too train of thought. The South Africans thought that ‘redneck’ was a nice alternative. The Chinese took to calling them ‘white ghosts’. Since white is a colour representing all that is holy and pleasant in the world, the new term must also have positive connotations. I suggest something like ‘UV deprived’. UV is bad. If they are deprived of UV, they are therefore good.

Referring ‘fat’ people
Nobody likes to be called fat, especially girls who think that a toothpick is superior to a chopstick. At one stage we were calling them ‘big boned’ but that’s become synonymous with the word fat thanks to a certain foul mouthed geometrical cut out. We certainly can’t call them thin because that would be a lie and would be dangerous because they’d put on many more kilos and run the risk of coronary ruptures. I suggest ‘horizontally superior’.

Referring to ‘short’ people
Despite not winning last year’s Australian Idol, Anthony Callea made it fashionable to be short. He was constantly referred to as ‘the midget’ on many radio stations and took it like a man (despite only being half the height). Unfortunately, not all short people are such gracious losers. My alternative to calling people short is to call them ‘vertically challenged’ or ‘vertically disadvantaged’. Not only are they no longer short, their status as being ‘disadvantaged’ automatically grants them access to welfare benefits.

Referring to ‘geeks’
People who do well in exams because they actually study (instead of wasting their time writing stupid articles like this one) shouldn’t be called geeks or nerds. We shouldn’t ostracise them just because they’d rather hang out with maths textbooks instead of their friends (including imaginary). Once they become uber rich we can call them all sorts of things (ironically, the same things we’d call Americans). Until then, let’s just call them ‘intellectually superior’ and ‘socially dysfunctional’.

Referring to ‘hobos’
These people live on the streets and eat out of trash cans. Is it really necessary for us to marginalise them by calling them hobos? These people are better off than some people with homes. They don’t have to mow lawns, vacuum carpets, clean dishes or fold bed sheets. Most of them aren’t even married so there’s no worry about an adulteress partner either. These people choose to live on the street. They aren’t homeless, they’re ‘residentially flexible individuals’.

Referring to ‘perverts’
I can understand that males, particularly adolescent ones, are genetically compelled to checking out chicks. Some of them even go as far as installing cameras in girls’ change rooms and bathrooms. We generally refer to these people as ‘perverts’. These are both unfair comments to make due to the fact that men simply can’t help it. The next time somebody calls you a ‘pervert’ tell them you are in fact a ‘non-traditional espionage expert’.