Chapter 1: Of the Battle with Dracula, the Lord of Darkness
Section 1
Lightning forked across the bat smothered sky. The whip felt heavy in my left hand, yet it somehow felt light at the same time. The whip passed down through generations of the Hellsing family. A family whose sole purpose was to slay Dracula, the Lord of Darkness, every hundred years when the gates of Hell open and his fragmented soul allowed to regather and inhabit the body of one of royal descent. His powers are vast; able to summon hordes of undead minions to do his bidding as well as having full control over the elements of fire and ice. It is said that the only weapon capable of defeating him is the Vampire Killer, the enchanted whip of the Hellsing family which is the only weapon capable of severing unholy spirits from their bodies.
My legs felt heavy from the running, my eyes blurred from the day’s killing, my arms sore from the repeated cracking of the whip, my whole body soaked in the blood and body fluids of the living dead. Each of their faces was different and I remembered each and everyone as though they were long lost friends. They were not quite human, nor were they beasts. They were a carnal blend of man, of beast, and of something unworldly. Yet, they were just human enough to be disturbing. Very very disturbing. That they were almost human, that they were able to smile (most likely at the thought of devouring me whole), that they wore an expression of utter shock as the soul was sucked from the body… that made them difficult to kill. But then I remembered: all humans are bastards. That made them nice and easy to kill. Especially the ones who resembled politicians, lawyers, actors who ruined my favourite classics in crappy remakes, Idol contestants who ruined my favourite songs with their garbage renditions, high school science/maths/drama teachers, my ex-wife, or my ex-wife’s lesbian partner who she refused to bring home with her. Oh, and before you mention it, I didn’t kill the ones who resembled any religious leaders. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it because…
- …they were spiritual leaders and I had to save them and make them human again. àGo to section 2
- …they didn’t deserve a swift death. àGo to section 3
Section 2
…they were spiritual leaders and the potential benefits of being able to save their souls and return them to their human form far outweighed the joy I would have derived from tearing them a new asshole. Besides, I had already killed a lot of people and someone had to clean up the mess, console the relatives and run the funeral services once I had completed my mission. I mean, you don’t expect me to do everything do you?
There was one more reason I opted against killing them. When I was a child my father left me to become a religious missionary and I desperately wanted to talk to him again. And we all know that the living dead don’t really say much. The only human-esque beings who speak less are the mute and the dead dead. Since he left when I was only three years of age, I had no memory of what he looked like so I had to spare all the missionaries and religious leaders just to make sure.
Hmmm… I digress. Where was I? Ah yes, I had to slay many undead minions before I could get to Dracula himself. What can I say, when you’re the head honcho of some plot to destroy the human race, you’re reasonably well protected by the unhuman beings who have been discriminated against by humans for years just because they look a bit deformed, smell a bit funny, eat human flesh and don’t have a pulse. They’re not that different really. Like I said, people are generally bastards. Anyway, after knocking off several thousand of his undead minions (and maiming thousands of religious leader look-alike undead minions), I finally arrived at the large iron door of Dracula’s keep. I could sense his evil presence behind the door. The stench of evil-ness penetrated my senses, so thick was the evil-ness that I could taste it on my tongue. It was a very difficult taste to describe, so I’ll just say that it tasted like…
- …chicken because everything tastes like chicken except for chicken. àGo to section 4
- …an English toffee milkshake with some pizza added to get the taste just right. àGo to section 5
Section 3
…those bastards don’t deserve an afterlife so I left them to live an eternal life as a mindless undead. I did see it fit to remove a few of their limbs though. Just to satisfy my own morbid curiousities. Besides, if there really is a God, I’m sure he/she/it would find some creative way to save them. These people didn’t need my help. Not as far as they were concerned anyway. Although, I suppose it hard to be concerned about anything when you’re undead and you’re at the call and beckon of the Lord of Darkness. I mean, what the hell sort of God lets his people become the minions of the Lord of Darkness? There can’t possible be a god. And if there is, he must be some huge coward. We’d be better off having a giant purple hippo protecting our souls from the liv…
Hmmm… I digress. Where was I? Ah yes, I had to slay many undead minions before I could get to Dracula himself. What can I say, when you’re the head honcho of some plot to destroy the human race, you’re reasonably well protected by the unhuman beings who have been discriminated against by humans for years just because they look a bit deformed, smell a bit funny, eat human flesh and don’t have a pulse. They’re not that different really. Like I said, people are generally bastards. Anyway, after knocking off several thousand of his undead minions (and maiming thousands of religious leader look-alike undead minions), I finally arrived at the large iron door of Dracula’s keep. I could sense his evil presence behind the door. The stench of evil-ness penetrated my senses, so thick was the evil-ness that I could taste it on my tongue. It was a very difficult taste to describe, so I’ll just say that it tasted like…
- …chicken because everything tastes like chicken except for chicken. àGo to section 4
- …an English toffee milkshake with some pizza added to get the taste just right. àGo to section 5
Section 4
…chicken. Very very evil chicken. As in the kind of chicken that’s come back from the dead missing several limbs to get revenge for being deep fried and served with chips and a Pepsi, both upsized for the small price of one dollar thirty. But that’s not to say Dracula was a chicken. Oh no. He was far more powerful and lethal than any chicken I had ever seen. The only things he had in common with a chicken was that he also walked with an odd head bobbing movement, he also clucked and he also laid eggs. The eggs, I was told by one of the undead minions, were made of gold like those of the magical goose. But that’s just ridiculous. Everybody knows that there are no such things as magical creatures. Least of all golden geese. They’re just a figment of our imagination, much like good will, the truth and love.
Anyway, I had given quite a bit of thought about how I was going to enter Dracula’s keep while I was in jail. After mulling over the options, I decided that making a grand entrance into Dracula’s keep before promptly kicking his ass was the way to go. And the grandest way I could think of was to…
- …blow the door wide open with C4 charges then lob a smoke grenade in and charge in guns blazing through the smoke. àGo to section 6
- …put on some cavalry charge music, ride in on a tank and either blow the door to hell with the cannon or bulldoze it to hell. àGo to section 7
Section 5
…an English Toffee milkshake with extra pizza added to get the flavour just right. Yes, I was rather hesitant about trying it the first time as well but it actually tastes remarkably wonderful. My theory is that all foods are either good for you or they taste good. After drinking the milkshake, I fell violently ill with stomach cramps and diarrhea so it couldn’t possibly have been good for me. In fact, it proved to be rather detrimental to my health so it must have tasted really good. Of course, there are some foods which taste bad and are bad for you, and some which taste good and are good for you but these are very few in number and the probability of anything belonging into either of these categories is negligible so logically, English toffee and pizza milkshakes must taste good and be bad for you.
Anyway, I had given quite a bit of thought about how I was going to enter Dracula’s keep while I was in jail. After mulling over the options, I decided that making a grand entrance into Dracula’s keep before promptly kicking his ass was the way to go. And the grandest way I could think of was to…
- …blow the door wide open with C4 charges then lob a smoke grenade in and charge in guns blazing through the smoke. àGo to section 6
- …put on some cavalry charge music, ride in on a tank and either blow the door to hell with the cannon or bulldoze it to hell. àGo to section 7
Section 6
…blow the door wide open with C4 charges then lob a smoke grenade in and charge in guns blazing through the smoke. Of course, as luck would have it, my eBay account had been suspended and I couldn’t purchase the goods I needed for that. So, I decided I’d do it the old fashioned way. Kick the door down and yell something stupid as I barged in. Caught in the spur of the moment and totally hyped up about giving Dracula a good spanking like he’s never had, I didn’t notice the door was solid iron. Not until I kicked it and broke my foot anyway. Despite my broken foot, the door remained closed. I kicked it several more times, completely shattering my foot in the process. In sheer desperation, I grabbed at the door knob. It turned in my hand and the door swung open. As it did, what I saw terrified me. The blood drained from my face and I became as pale as a shirt cleaned with bleach. There was…
- …another iron door. à Go to section 8
- …Dracula. Duh! What else would you expect to find in Dracula’s keep? à Go to section 9
- …my mother... à Go to section 10
Section 7
…put on some cavalry charge music, ride in on a tank and either blow the door to hell with the cannon or bulldoze it to hell while yelling something stupid. Of course, I realized that I had no idea where the hell I was going to get a tank from short of raiding a military base which would probably require several tanks to pull off anyway. So I decided that the next best thing would be to blow the door wide open with C4 charges then lob a smoke grenade in and charge in guns blazing through the smoke. Of course, as luck would have it, my eBay account had been suspended and I couldn’t purchase the goods I needed for that. So, I decided I’d do it the old fashioned way. Kick the door down and yell something stupid as I barged in. Caught in the spur of the moment and totally hyped up about giving Dracula a good spanking like he’s never had, I didn’t notice the door was solid iron. Not until I kicked it and broke my foot anyway. Despite my broken foot, the door remained closed. I kicked it several more times, completely shattering my foot in the process. In sheer desperation, I grabbed at the door knob. It turned in my hand and the door swung open. As it did, what I saw terrified me. The blood drained from my face and I became as pale as a shirt cleaned with bleach. There was…
- …another iron door. à Go to section 8
- …Dracula. Duh! What else would you expect to find in Dracula’s keep? à Go to section 9
- …my mother… à Go to section 10
Section 8
...another iron door. Which was just f*cking perfect because I had exactly one more foot to shatter to hell. But then I figured, it might be easier to fight Dracula if I actually had full use of most of my limbs. I mean, with one foot broken, I could still hop around but if I were to shatter both feet, I’d be screwed for sure. I needed to find something else to use something else. Something I wouldn’t be using in the fight against Dracula. Then it hit me, I could …
- …use my left shoulder. After all, I only need one arm to use the whip. àGo to section 11
- …use my head. Literally. After all, it’s not as if my brain actually functions. àGo to section 12
- …knock on the door and hope Dracula has the common courtesy to open it. àGo to section 13
Section 9
...Dracula. Duh! What else would you expect to find in Dracula’s keep? Anyway, I call to him, “Bring it on you pussy! I’ll tear you a new asshole and send your sorry bloodsucking ass back to Hell!”
“You have no idea who you’re dealing with child. Surrender now and I shall make you one of my generals.”
“Never! Do you see what I have in my hand here? It’s the Hellsing whip.”
“Preposterous! You look nothing like a Hellsing!”
“Ever heard of plastic surgery? God, where have you been for the last 100 years?”
“I’ve been in Hell for the last 100 years”
“Oh, right…”
“So you won’t surrender then?”
- “Hell no! Why should I surrender when I have the power to kick your ass a hundred times over?” à Go to section 14
- “Of course I’ll surrender! I broke my foot trying to get through that door. There’s no way I could beat you in this state” à Go to section 15
Section 10
…my mother… making out with Dracula. The sight is so horrid that I am forced to remove a fragment of bone from my broken foot and use it to gouge my eyes out. I die a slow and painful death from bleeding through my eye sockets. Which is just as well because I won’t be alive to witness the moment my mother gives birth to a mini-Dracula.
Oh, and for the record, the army come in soon after my death and bomb Dracula’s castle, killing him, my mother and everything else inside. So despite my death, the rest of the human race lives on and makes many more series of Big Brother. Hmmm… I guess dying wasn’t such a bad thing after all.
The End.
Section 11
…my left shoulder. After all, I only need one arm to use the whip. So I took a couple of steps back to give me room for a run up and charged at the door with my left shoulder. The door gave way on the first attempt but, like with my foot, my left shoulder got pretty hammered. In fact, it was so screwed up that my entire left arm was just dangling from the socket. Standing before me as the door swung open was none other than Dracula, the Lord of Darkness himself. I call to him, “Bring it on you pussy! I’ll tear you a new asshole and send your sorry bloodsucking ass back to Hell!”
“You have no idea who you’re dealing with child. Surrender now and I shall make you one of my generals.”
“Never! Do you see what I have in my hand here? It’s the Hellsing whip.” I tried to raise the whip to strike a pose of defiance but I had completely shattered my whipping arm charging down the door. This was not looking particularly bright.
“Ha! What good is the whip if you can not wield it? Foolish child! Perhaps I shall tear YOU a new asshole!”
With that, he summoned a storm of bats at me. Unable to use the whip to defend myself, I was torn a new asshole and slowly and painfully bled to death. All because you were too damn stupid to realize that my left arm was the one I needed to use the whip. I mentioned it in the second sentence. And if you missed that, the fact that I bothered to mention which shoulder I was going to use should have been a give away that something was up. I hope my death rests on your conscience for all eternity.
The End.
Section 12
…my head. After all, it’s not as if my brain actually functions. So I backed up several steps to give myself room for a run up and charged at the door head first. The door doesn’t break so I line myself up for another charge. This time, the door does swing wide open but only after I’ve knocked myself unconscious. When I came to, I no longer had control of my body.
“HAHAHAHAH! Your soul is mine now!”
And that’s how it ends. Dracula has taken control of my body and now uses it for his evil purposes. He no longer has any need for his minions because he is now in possession of the only weapon that can kill him and with his power transforms it into a whip capable of stealing the souls of the living and feeding them to the wielder of the whip. And so the human race is wiped out and Dracula eventually absorbs enough souls to become powerful enough to overthrow god and becomes the ruler of the universe.
When people say to use your head, they don’t mean it literally you fool. Use your head before making such stupid decisions like using your head next time.
The End.
Section 13
…knock on the door and hope Dracula has the common courtesy to open it. Nobody answers so I assume Dracula isn’t at home at the moment because I’m sure he’d open the door to let me in if he was. I return the day after and knock on the door once more. Once again, nobody answers the door so I leave. The day after I return and knock on the door once more. Still nobody answers. Needing to slay Dracula now because I had a vacation tomorrow, I persisted knocking. After several minutes my knuckles are raw and I take a few steps back to prepare to charge at the door. Just as I was about to collide with the door and knock it off it’s hinges, the door opens and I am sent sprawling into the room. I collide into someone on the way in and he looks at me, dazed.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing? Barging in like that? You could have hurt someone”. The man is wearing a cape and is rather pasty looking, as if he has never seen a day of sunlight. Could this be Dracula?
“Are you Dracula?”
“No, I’m Vlad the Impaler. Dracula lives in
“I thought this was
“No no, this is Little Transylvania.
“Oh, thank you”.
Feeling like a total idiot for wasting several days knocking on the wrong door, I conceded that I had failed in my mission. I went home, packed my bags and left for
The End.
Section 14
“Hell no! Why should I surrender when I have the power to kick your ass in a hundred times over?”
“Very well, foolish child. Prepare to suffer an eternity of pain.” With that, he charged at me. Before he could reach me, I lashed out with the whip. But nothing happened. He seemed to be immune to the whip’s powers and removed my whipping arm with a single swift slashing motion. I hollered in pain as the blood spurt from the socket where my arm once was.
“Why? Why didn’t the whip have any effect on you?”
“Foolish child, that is not the whip of the Hellsing family. Have a look at the handle of the whip”.
“It says ‘Hellsing’. I used it to kill all your minions. What else could this be but the whip of the Hellsing family?”
“Look closer, fool. You were never going to defeat me with that whip”
I picked up my left arm from the floor, wrenched the whip from it and examined the handle of the whip more closely. I realized then that I was in a whole world of shit. In ultra fine print under the word Hellsing were the words “this whip is a replica and will defeat all undead beings except for vampires. Mattel toy co. accepts no responsibility for any death that may occur as the result of attempting to banish vampires using this product”. At that moment I spotted my reflection in the mirror and the image of me missing an arm was too much. Combined with the utter irony of the whip, I just couldn’t help but laugh. I guess it was a defence mechanism.
“Why are you laughing human? Stop this laughing immediately!” I couldn’t help myself. The laughter was uncontrollable.
“No… this can’t be! My one other weakness. How did you knowwwwwwwww?!?!?!?!?!?”. As he was making his final death throes Dracula turned into a pillar of salt and disintegrated. And with that the sun came up outside, everything sprang back to life and the castle collapsed, crushing me to death. It seems that Dracula’s power was the only thing keeping the decrepit castle from falling to pieces. Well, I may have died but at least I saved the world and all of humanity. Maybe they’ll give me a spectacular sepulcher or name a day after me or something. On second thoughts, I saved the human race… including lawyers and politicians. They might have been better off with Dracula as the ruler. “Oh well, not my problem”, I thought to myself as the last breath was squeezed out of me.
The End.
Section 15
“Of course I’ll surrender! I broke my foot trying to get through that door. There’s no way I could beat you in this state”
“Very well. Join me, my dark prodigy and together we shall rule the world. Muahahahahahaha!”
And with that, I became Dracula’s right hand man, issuing orders to his minions on his behalf and reigning as King of the Day while Dracula ruled the night. It was a beautiful friendship that lasts to this very day. Eventually, I taught Dracula the power of generousity and he started being a good fair ruler. And everyone lived happily ever after.
…
You didn’t really believe that any story ending with Dracula living could possibly end with universal happiness did you? The reality of the situation was that we ruled together, I the day and he the night. Eventually, the power I received from Dracula corrupted my soul and I could do little but lust for the flesh of young virgins. Once I ran out of virgins to consume, I turned to children. Once I ran out of children I took to consuming men and the geriatric. But my hunger was insatiable and soon, the entire human race was wiped out. I began cannibalizing my undead brothers and eventually devoured myself in a blind fit of hunger. Serves me right for joining forces with Dracula when I could have defeated him.
The End.
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