She Reminds Me of Coffee
Everytime you look my way
your eyes remind me of coffee.
They reflect my smile,
just as the coffee reflects the moon
and its rehearsed smile
before they disappear in wisps.
Everytime you step out of the shower
I am reminded of coffee.
Your hair; dark in its smooth flawlessness
like coffee spilling onto the floor.
Everytime you laugh
your smile reminds me of coffee.
Warm snowflakes bearing a hope
that is not my own;
like energy lent
that must be repaid at the end
of each day.
Everytime you cry
your tears remind me of coffee.
Like condensed vapour on the lip
I know they will always dry
but I will still wipe them away.
Everytime I make coffee
I am reminded of you;
the fake smile I see in your eyes,
the false hope of your smile,
the perfection of your hair
slipping through my fingers
and how they help me through
every day.
your eyes remind me of coffee.
They reflect my smile,
just as the coffee reflects the moon
and its rehearsed smile
before they disappear in wisps.
Everytime you step out of the shower
I am reminded of coffee.
Your hair; dark in its smooth flawlessness
like coffee spilling onto the floor.
Everytime you laugh
your smile reminds me of coffee.
Warm snowflakes bearing a hope
that is not my own;
like energy lent
that must be repaid at the end
of each day.
Everytime you cry
your tears remind me of coffee.
Like condensed vapour on the lip
I know they will always dry
but I will still wipe them away.
Everytime I make coffee
I am reminded of you;
the fake smile I see in your eyes,
the false hope of your smile,
the perfection of your hair
slipping through my fingers
and how they help me through
every day.
posted by Yuki at
6:30 PM
9 Comments:
It's a nice warm poem and I don't feel lick nip picking at it. Just that you're "coffee" references, I feel that you would be richer by being more specific. If we went with phrases such as long black hair or mocca lips or vanilla latte skin. But then again, you can always throw my comments into the coffee grinder.
L.
By
Anonymous, at April 13, 2005 8:56 PM
no, i think that's a very good point. I just couldn't be bothered with specifics when i wrote it. Besides, i only drink black coffee.
By
Yuki, at April 14, 2005 10:18 AM
The last statement.... it's so casually poetic. Consider inserting the idea.
also, just some fun.
http://www.livejournal.com/community/livepoets/11225.html#cutid1
A link from my favourite poetry community on livejournal. I think you might enjoy the challange.
L.
By
Anonymous, at April 14, 2005 1:48 PM
It was more casual than poetic and i'm struggling to see a way to fit it in. And the link doesn't work! *sobs*
By
Yuki, at April 15, 2005 7:36 PM
then google square poem.
L.
By
Anonymous, at April 15, 2005 9:06 PM
oooooooooohhhhhh! this looks like it could be time wasting fun!
By
Yuki, at April 16, 2005 8:34 PM
"prove to me you are not as shallow as an espresso". Any idea how I can fit that in?
By
Yuki, at April 18, 2005 7:31 PM
Somewhere in S1. Where you talk about fake smiles and reflections. Thematiclly it belongs there. But also considering editing your poem again. Getting ride of the constast "fake" or "false" and the frequent use of "smiles". Find other words or get rid of them if they don't add anything.
But back to the origional subject - it's a beautiful image and I like it. Manipulate S1 and insert it for drama at its end, possibly with "you're yet to..." inserted before that lovely image.
L.
By
Anonymous, at April 18, 2005 8:00 PM
Yup, editing is currently in progress. Thanks for the suggestions too.
By
Yuki, at April 18, 2005 9:44 PM
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