Finally it Ends, and None Too Soon

A Stage Play by Nicholas Chow

[Music- Channel Ten News]

Anchor 1: Hello and welcome to Channel Ten News- first at five.

[Technician whisper’s into Anchor’s ear]

Anchor 1: Ah, that’s second at five. (Mumbles) Damn Channel Seven at four-thirty, beating our copyrights on a technicality. Our top stories tonight: Beck Cartwright’s doubts over partner Hewitt’s choice of toilet paper, Tom Cruise says “no” to much needed brain surgery saying unwanted spiritual beings are after him, and some cute cute kittens rescued from a tiger’s pen at Taronga Zoo. Oh and in other news, peace declared in the Middle East, George W. Bush says “what global warming?” in our exclusive interview with him at the new Hilton Tropical resort in Antarctica, and there is a very very big comet hurtling towards our planet. Those less rating-orientated stories towards the end of the show, I mean… news bulletin…

Anchor 2: But first, Big Brother is watching, though it seems he might need laser eye correction surgery. The show’s host Gretel Killeen and its producers have been unexpectedly arrested at a live broadcast and detained without bail for a blatant violation of human rights. With shameless self-promotion, here are a few moments from the best show there is- Big Brother.

[Music- Big Brother]

[Focus on Gretel]

Gretel Killeen: Hello and welcome to another episode of Big Brother! Live! I’m Gretel Killeen! I’m blonde! Oh, no I’m not! We’ve got another exciting night for you sad voyeurs! Yeah! Excited?! Tonight, we’re introducing a new concept to Big Brother- one that hasn’t been done for nearly a week! We will be introducing an intruder with a dark secret! Without further ado, here’s another exciting look into the current situation in the household!

[Focus on household]

[Sound- Crickets]

Girl with hands over ears rocking backwards and forwards, talking to herself

A couple lying motionless on the floor

A group in the middle doing the Sudoku, one member who is looking at her hands

People reading newspapers

A guy walks over to join group

Guy: You can’t put a three there- you already have it in this column.

Group member: Damn it! Now the whole thing’s stuffed!

Bimbo: Argh! The Sudoku makes my brain hurt!

Group member: (Mumbles) Hand over the twenty bucks- I told you she had one.

Bimbo walks over to motionless couple

Bimbo: Anthony! Cleo! Kicks them. Phew! Where’s that stench of decomposing flesh coming from? Guys! I need your help, this is sooo serious. Which of my hands are bigger? My left or right? Looks at hands quizzically. Guys! Having no response she starts walking over to the sofa- nearly slips near the couple. Who left that red sticky liquid lying around that’s starting to clot? Sits on sofa next to Ariel and Cher, who is waving clothes in front of herself. Proceeds to hold her hands up to the light.

Bimbo: Oh Cher, what are you doing?

Cher: I can’t decide what to wear!

Bimbo: Get a life Cher.

Cher: But I have a way normal life!

Big Brother: Ariel, this… is Big Brother speaking. Proceed to the swimming pool and make sure to wear a very white t-shirt.

Ariel: Oh, not again!

Ariel gets up and moves off stage

Big Brother: This…is Big Brother speaking. I am going to open the pen doors for the intruder. Do not attempt to exercise your Constitutional right to freedom.

[Sound of door opening]

Man walks in

Linda leaves Sudoku group and walks over to the newly arrived man

Girl: Hi! I’m Linda. What’s your name sweetheart?

George: George. My name is George.

Linda: Pleased to meet you George. Shakes his hand. George wipes his hand on his pants. I heard that you have a dark dark secret. Between you and me, can it be more exciting than this place already is?

[Sound- Wind] Tumble weed rolls across stage

George: Yes. Yes it is.

Linda: Oh yeah? What is it?

George: This!

George pulls out an MP5 sub machine gun

Housemates scream and run frantic

Couple on the floor motionless

Girl still rocking backwards and forwards

Bimbo still sitting on sofa looking at hands

Sudoku Group: No!!! Was it a seven or a four?

Group Member: Is this a test?

[Sound- Door opening and battle noises]- Enter swat team

Swat Team: Freeze! Don’t move!

Swat team proceeds to disarm George and arrest him

Gretel Killeen jumps up as officers start surrounding her

Gretel Killeen: What’s all this? I demand to know!

Man with big “DOCS” sign on shirt walks up to her

DOCS: Mrs Killeen

Gretel Killeen: That’s Ms Killeen! But ah…you can call me Gretel…

DOCS: MS Killeen, we’re arresting you and your associates under the Mental Health Act 1990 for the exploitation and detention of these mentally disabled contestants.

Gretel Killeen: Oh the housemates aren’t mentally disabled!

[Focus on girl with hands over ears rocking backwards and forwards talking to herself. Gretel and DOCS both look.]

Gretel Killeen: Laughs nervously

Gretel ushered off stage with a towel over her head

[Focus back to Channel Ten News]

Anchor 1 & 2 are standing up saluting Gretel as she departs

They sit

Anchor 2: Sighs contently. And we’ll be back with the weather with Tim Bailey after this short commercial break.

[Focus on Tim Bailey]

Tim Bailey: I may not be that good of a weatherman and not know the difference between snow and sleet, but I’ve been to more places and shopping centres than you have! Ha!

[Music- Channel Ten News]