Untitled Poem
Flower after flower;
Fragments of a romance
Lost in a whirlwind of petals.
Her silhouette had danced
Upon cigarette tips.
She'd dreamt of cellophane
And unlit candles.
But she'll never believe in love.
Nothing to be particularly proud of. It's a work in progress and I'm still experimenting with line order. Thoughts?
Fragments of a romance
Lost in a whirlwind of petals.
Her silhouette had danced
Upon cigarette tips.
She'd dreamt of cellophane
And unlit candles.
But she'll never believe in love.
Nothing to be particularly proud of. It's a work in progress and I'm still experimenting with line order. Thoughts?
posted by Yuki at
7:12 PM
8 Comments:
I like the half rhyme of danced and romance; it's sing songy.
Your poetry seems to have a lot of pretty flowers. The metaphor and symbolism doesn't feel developed. I like unlit candle though. I just don't think you've exploited it to the maximum.
Her inability to believe in love should sound more biting. Although I recognise that a poet should never put in too many hints as to why or her character, you need to put in enough to make us curious or surprised.
Kind of reads like you've had some cool phrases in your head and needed an excuse to put them down.
By
Anonymous, at November 15, 2006 10:11 PM
I never was any good with poetry.
Although I disagree with Libby; I like how her inability to believe in love is stated so simply. Its less flashy and its not like an excuse is being provided, its something that just is.
By
Anonymous, at November 16, 2006 10:41 AM
"Kind of reads like you've had some cool phrases in your head and needed an excuse to put them down."
We have a winner.
By
Yuki, at November 16, 2006 3:34 PM
I like it, probably because I don't understand some bits xD Especially liked the last three lines.
By
εïз (c h i l l y), at November 16, 2006 10:03 PM
is the girl in the poem hot?
By
Anonymous, at November 16, 2006 10:56 PM
Trust Ansel to come up with the big questions. In the grand scheme of it all, it doesn't matter if she's hot, just that she's human. But if you want her to be hot, she can be hot.
By
Yuki, at November 17, 2006 10:16 AM
I don't understand abstract poetry so I can't give any advice, nor would it be useful at all even if I tried!!!
Haha, but i'm sure you know what you're doing :) Keep up the good work Alan.
By
Jenny, at November 25, 2006 4:00 PM
I agree with Lauren on simplicity is good in poetry. But simplicity is meant to be biting. This poem doesn't bit. The images are a bit misplaces, as a fellow poet, I know that feeling all too well. It gets frustrating but the images need to live somehow, in a draft until the right poem comes up.
To Ansel:
Hot girls usually aren't the type that makes men want to write poetry. I might explain that to you when you're older.
To Alan:
Write something insomnious. My little collection is currently lacking other writers. I've sent out a few invitations. It can be prose if you like. You strike me as the type who is best with wit and atmosphere. At the moment, we're aiming for something haunting: a dark but friendly house, the joke that takes you about 5 seconds to get and laugh at, how to ram a head into a pillow with sincerity.
GO GO GO! Sleep is for pussies! Sleep is for the illiterate!
By
Anonymous, at November 27, 2006 4:56 PM
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